Look Out, I Am Having A Conversation With God

I lived a devastating experience going into my late twenties when my fiance walked out of our relationship. That crashed the glass world that I had created, destroyed my hopes for a happy married life. 

I went into a sort of depression for some time, confused, tearfully and desperately asking God for an answer, and I started to rebel. I didn't want to be the good girl anymore, taught and expected to live within the perimeters of physical, spiritual, emotional and mental boundaries. 

I stopped going to church. I went clubbing instead. 

Other than wanting to understand why my ex-fiance liked certain God-forsaking places so much, somehow, my soul wanted to find God MY WAY instead. 

Somehow, my soul wanted to experience God out in the fields, out in the world without boundaries, out in the world of the rebel, under the skies, near the ocean....not through holy books, nor through pastor's sermons. 

I knew there was a God. And he was ignoring me. 

I am inferior in his eyes. 

I have experienced many little signs that were answers to my questions throughout the years. As most humans, I did not acknowledge the miracles of getting those answers to my questions, and never thought there were any spiritual connection to them. 

I had heard voices before speaking to my ear,  when there was nobody in my bedroom with me. Yet, I had dismissed it as foolish imagination. 

Every night, I would desperately ask God so many questions...like why is this happening to me? Why am I rejected? Why can't I find happiness? Why did he leave me? How am I going to go on? He would not utter a sound.

My pillows and bedsheets were drenched from tears that made my eyes puffy for years. Until today, my eyebags serve as proof of my collection of tears. 

I asked as many people as I could, including visiting fortune tellers, and read as much as I could, in order to find the answers from a God who was not speaking to me. I was a great reader of storybooks since childhood, and now I was desperately reading all the self-help books I could find, which ironically, were books that my ex-fiance used to read, and which I had thought were useless and uninteresting.

One day, while flipping through the newspapers, I saw a review of a book called "Conversations with God."

It was like an answer to my deep yearning to ask God questions. I took it as a sign. 

I sent for the book by mail order. 

The first few pages of the book excited me, and the conversations with a God real to the author, Neale Donald Walsh, unloaded my burdens overnight. Heavy rocks were lifted from my highway of life, and I felt free to cruise. 

However, it was the beginning of my lifelong journey through DEEPER ups and downs. 

Climbing, then falling and falling, climbing, then falling and falling, then climbing again -- success in business, failure in business, success in partnerships, failure in partnerships, success in financial gains, financial loss, success in experiencing relationships, failure in being worthy of love, everything seemed to crash even worse. 

I hit rock bottom in everything. And then, I began to climb up the edges of the pit, slowly, slowly, calling, calling, desperate, glimpse of hope, doubt, then I saw new footholds, I climbed, I stopped, I doubted, I climbed again....

Despite the tough situation when I found myself with all my world crashing, I finally comforted myself that what I had instead, was a treasure of experience that nobody could take away. 

What I knew I had was a perseverance, a hunger to really master what we call the secrets to having the life that I want. 

My next chapters are in spending money I should not have spent to buy this book recently, which was wrapped in plastic, without knowing if the book had good reviews, or who this author was. 

Why I picked it up was because she was a female author, and she had written yet another book linked to the law of attraction. Perhaps I could be like her and do what she does. So I decided to take a peek into her book, and into her world. 

I have just been delighted again -- in proving that answers to my questions are being answered. I was informed a cheque was ready to collect, within 48 hours after asking the universe for money to pay my bills this month. I am going to collect it now.